So there was a huge snag torn in the rift that is (or was) my supposed love life.
When it came down to the wire, asking and inquiring about where we sit was like falling head first off a bridge and onto a steel track. I didn't want to share details at first because I didn't know where it all stood, but, given the past 50-some odd hours of texting about it.....
she really likes me. however, she is not keen on relationships due to past experiences and also she doesn't think she can function normally in one. because....she's not good at being close? and she would be stuck in her own mind.
...well, after having told her that she can tell me pretty much anything, she doesn't know what she wants. first of all, I waited all night for a reply back on Monday and didn't get a text until 11am Tuesday. a short reply. then that night didn't see her at the GSA...
I kept telling myself "don't expect her to show up. she wont." but was still hopeful she'd be around, as I didn't get anything from her text-wise.
nothing. I thought I had wrecked everything. I wanted to take back everything I admitted to if it meant being quiet about it and seeing her, than to have said everything and never see her again. last night, I was in a tremendous amount of pain I never knew was possible.
so, how does one fix this? Well, I had thought about the nine beers I still had in the fridge, but was so tired and numb, I couldn't even do that. I'm not even ashamed to say I practically cried non-stop for an hour...my head hurt so much I just showered up and went to bed.
Fucking pathetic, really. I couldn't stop wondering why, even though I knew the answer. At the time, all the signs pointed to "aint gonna happen" and the fact that she made her self scarce and quiet led me to believe it really was the worst case scenario happening.
Until finally, I just accepted that "if it wasn't meant to be, it wasn't meant to be". Even though I still love her very much. I thought everything was going great. we clicked.
.....come this morning...well, noon, rather, I find Jon first. I wasn't over it, but I was coherent and with a clear head. Anything having to do with bawling my eyes out and wanting to see Adriana in Texan Hall vanished with the last of my tears down the drain. I guess he asked bee about it accidentally on Monday, because "word vomit" and they spoke about it. It makes me kind of happy that he defended me a little.
jon: I told her "well, you probably should have said something a liiittle sooner. she had her phone with her all night. waiting for anything."
me: you told her that?
jon: well. yeah. I mean, you really wanted to know, and it wasn't fair that she left you hanging for nearly 12 hours.
me: well, she's not good with words. I knew that..
I did. and she even said, in a text, that she was sorry for not having said anything--because she didn't know what TO say. I knew she read it, and she just didn't reply. she was trying to figure out what to say in response. I knew that's what was going on. but I guess the waiting game just weighed on me tremendously. What got me was that she knows how much I like her, and I was only wondering if she liked me enough to want to start something.
...god last night was a nightmare. NOT ONLY did I walk with the gsa president to his car, but it was the wrong lot that I parked in. I was on the OTHER side of campus. So not only was a dark, long, lonely walk to the other lot...the world decided to troll the fuck out of me further by having the media/graphic design club get together for a movie night. guess what it was? and guess what SONG I walked in on (within ear shot, as I was outside)? Of all fucking days.www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uora19…
fuck. my god. damned. life.
nothing went right, and just to top it all off, some divine intervention decided to stab me with a hot poker for extra measure. to which I just...I couldn't hold it in anymore when I got to the car. a slow, long, silent drive home in the dark. I refrained from texting her back, calling her, none of it. It was her turn to say something. anything. I had said everything I needed to, and she was mulling things over I guess. but upon reading her last few texts about not being keen on relationships, I just read between the lines. the literal killing blow. I could never tell her how much it hurt to not know.
Jon gave me the biggest hug, and I was grateful to have my best friends there in the UC lobby with me. He asked if it was going to be awkward if she came by today, and I just told him "no. why would it? love shouldn't be awkward. it's a simple, innocent, warm love." and left it at that. and it's true. in the late hour of last night, I kept thinking, trying to wrap it around my head: is it so wrong to say LOVE? what's wrong with LOVING someone? I just didn't know why people thought it to be a "too soon" thing. or this taboo word. love is love, in EVERY sense of the word. why should it be regulated? why?
those hours of waiting, waiting, waiting....I had almost thought I was forgotten. and then that hurt even more. Until the hour where she would walk into the lobby with the rest of our friends...I saw her. she came quietly, like a doe in a forest, and sat in the open seat, two chairs from me. no eye contact. I knew she was thinking about it. and she knew it about me too. but still we let our friends carry conversation like usual. we gradually entered conversation with the rest of them and things, for a moment, became normal. then came the time to walk her to her class.
Regardless, that's just what I do. it's like clock work now. 9am-9:50am class, but wont leave until 1pm.
and, we walked....quiet for a beat, but I didn't let it fall into awkward silence. I just remembered what Jon had said prior to everyone else getting there, about what THEY had discussed. "She said she likes you--she does. just, she's not comfortable being in relationships because of responsibilities." Well, wth does that mean? did I still have a chance after all? if she still liked me, that was...some hope. to me, a relationship is the best thing. it's not a chore, it's love. and I needed to express that with brining comfortable vibes and openness. I meant to ask her if we were still "cool", but I guess I didn't have to after getting the feeling that our conversation was the same as usual. me helping her with Spanish vocab on the way TO class. then came the part where she stood just aside from her classroom door and gave that same grin as we said goodbye. I got a hug. I felt my eyes burn a little but pushed back the pain again, because that song came back to haunt me. "she smiled at me, and held me just like she used to do."
I let go when she did, and told her to have fun. I should get a fucking Oscar for having smiled after having released, like I was okay.
I was, but...smiling was never so hard until THAT moment. I don't think she noticed, either. which is good.
.....so, yeah. I was going to talk about other things, but this whole journal turned into a really bittersweet entry. I'm still holding on. I'll be damned if I let her go. I can wait until she's ready, or says otherwise. I'm in no rush. Now that I've found her, I can wait.
....I spent my whole life waiting for someone like her to appear from my dreams. I think I can afford to give her time.
*sigh* as it were...
I don't even have questions this time. I'm alright, I just can't focus outside of studying for my second exam right now. Unless you have an idea about what President Roosevelt would have done differently. bye~